Friday, February 5, 2016

The Struggles of Wanderlust

At the risk of sounding whiny, I need to vent on a subject that it seems not a lot of people actually talk about... wanderlust. Yes, I know it's a big thing on the internet, but it refers more to beautiful images of faraway places, interesting travel blogs, and is used as an excuse to talk about the joys of exploring new places. But the struggle is real for me folks. You know why? It means something else to me.

I've never felt truly at home in the US. The lack of interest in learning/reading, the difficulties of going to another country, the feeling of superiority that Americans seem to have that travels above pride. Call me ungrateful, but I need a break. I loved living in France the couple of times I did, and I have this fascination with Ireland and England that rivals very few things in my life. I want to move to England SOOOO badly (it's close to France and Ireland, but with less of a culture shock), but I want to live in Portland, OR at the same time where my friends and my rain and my comfort level are. I want to settle down but I want to travel. I want to challenge myself to get outside of my comfort zone but I want to stay in my comfort zone. I want a house with a huge library but if I travel that won't happen. I want to settle down now but I don't. All of these mixed feelings drive me crazy each and every day.

Then I worry about getting a job abroad. If they were to even pick me, how would they push my request for a work visa through? How would Kyle get a work visa to go with me (because he WOULD be coming with me). How would we get the dog and cat there safely? What about our books (and NO, we're not selling them. That's not even an option). What about money?

Then, if we did make it to England, what if all I'd want to do is come straight back here? What if I miss our family and friends too much? What if I miss driving? What if I miss my America comfort level? And pizza?

I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and it's so frustrating. I know I need a job (a better one), and I know I need to be able to support myself, but I have this insane wanderlust that makes it so damn hard.

I'm twenty-fucking-four years old. I should have my shit together by now.

At least Kyle puts up with me. He seriously is the most amazing husband ever.

Does anyone else struggle with wanderlust? This kind, not the kind that's all sunshine and rainbows and fancy cameras. If so, how do you deal with it?